End of a nutty week

Nutty is a strong word. nah this was a good week

Shit that got done

  • Nose Bleed chp 6 is toned and ready to be posted

  • nose Bleed chp7 inks are all done (I just gotta erase and scan the last two pages in)

  • I started posting to instagram and social media’s again ( catch me every Tues, thurs, and sat baby)

  • Learned some sentences and questions in french! I’ve been meeting with a tutor twice a week.

    shit that sucked this week

  • I think I tore my shoulder and right lat. I decided fuck it I’m going to start moving my body more, ( I stopped working out back in April.) I did like 5 pull ups, no stretching or anything before hand, just jumped up and started ripping. (Also fuck you if you think 5 is nothing, Even at the height of my strength and conditioning I could barely rip 7 with out needing to stop and regroup.) Anyway, the first day was great and I was like cool! I’ll just start doing pull ups everyday, then day 2 hit and my right side under my shoulder felt like I got kicked in the ribs. Ive been icing and applying ligament oil like crazy. Im such a dumbass for not stretching before hand. live and learn.

I’ve been wanting to get back into shape again and I’m thinking of restarting Muay Thai. For the last five years I was crazy committed to the sport. I would train 4 to 5 days a week and I even competed a few times. My record is nothing to brag about but I was pretty good. I took a step back after my last fight which I felt I was robbed of a much deserved win, and on top of that rocking my confidence I got back to back cornea scratches which sounds like nothing but it is the most unbearable pain in the world. I would not wish that shit on my worst enemy. SIDE NOTE: if you’re ever in a street fight and you cant talk your way out of it dont aim for there chin, aim for there eyes! (god I hope I’m using the right there.)

After the second Cornea scratch that caused a pretty bad infection and almost canceled my trip to Paris, I said fuck it, I’m done with training and fighting. I never thought I would see the day where I wasn’t training. I mean it was literally my life for 5 years. Draw all day, train at night come home from the gym, draw some more then go to sleep. I never had dreams of being a champion and after much reflection I kinda hated fighting. I think to be a good fighter you have to have that dog in you, that deep seated anger and that urge to hurt people. That dog came out in my first fight hard but it freaked me out and I never could muster it up again. It’s something I think about a lot. I’m competitive as shit but I’m also equally passive. And that does not make a good fighter. I was really hard on myself and felt like a faker, I even briefly became a coach at a gym out here in Chicago, but I just didn’t feel like I deserved to be teaching people how to fight. After taking a step back from the Muay Thai grind I felt good knowing that I don’t have to be this tough guy anymore, cause I honestly was faking it the whole time, and it just really stopped being fun. I don’t miss sparring or competing but I do miss working out, sweating and being told what to do for an hour. I do think its super important to learn how to fight, I think if everyone knew how to fight we’d all be way more chill. But I also wish I loved fighting. I think about my matches from time to time and I get caught in the flash back and I’m like why didn’t I kick harder or punch through more. Why did it always take me until the 3rd round to wake up out of the weird daze of being in the ring. Being in the ring btw is the most surreal experience ever. The hardest part isn’t getting in there and fighting its the dissociation that would occur. I don’t know why but I would spend rounds 1 and half of 2 completely out of my body, I’d literally be watching myself do stuff. My body was on auto pilot while my brain and mind were like, “ why the fuck are we doing this again?

“This is fucking pointless!”

Then usually after a hard hit I would wake up and actually start fighting with control.

shit was weird as fuck. Maybe I’ll talk more about it later but for now here’s some shit I posted this week.

Back in the saddle

I had a really good portfolio review a few months back, it really made me feel great but also horrible at the same time. Basically the guy who gave me a review told me I should be aiming to make 50,00 grand a year. He was like you very easily could. I panicked at the thought. Im not one of those artist that doesn’t believe in themselves. But 50,000 grand a year was like oh shit why didn’t I see that in myself? Ive only come close to that amount one year. Every year after that has been ehhh. Especially the last two years. Ive been making stuff but trying to get more organized and really focus on doing the work but it’s always something else. Something else pops up. I don’t know how to explain it but I kinda went nuts. I was and still am in the middle of a grueling comic project that I wish would just end. Luckily the drawing part of it is over and if im asked to redraw or touch anything up im honestly tempted to just say fuck it and not respond. Which is not good. I hate that during the middle of this project I realized I hated it. It’s been some weird shit the entire time. Just a weird untrusting vibe the entire time. Something that my mother suffers from. This untrust of the world. It’s a sickness and im starting to see it grow inside of me. I have to fight it. I’ve also recently realized Ive been a spoiled brat my entire career. Ive never had to really reach out to people for work. In fact every time ive done that ive never received any work. Ive always had every good opportunity come to me. But the last two years that has stopped. Nobody is knocking for the first time and im 34. It’s kinda like when the trust fund runs dry and you’re like fuck I didn’t save anything, how do I get more back into it? How do I fix this problem? How do I be a professional illustrator? Who the fuck am I? The last few months have been a whirl wind of that. Mostly who the fuck am I? And what do I see myself doing for the rest of my life. Obviously I want to keep getting better at drawing and making comics but I need to figure out the financial side of this. I can’t be 35 wondering when the next check is coming in. I gotta smarten up and ive been trying to do just that. I think im on a good path. I gotta reach out to more people and present myself to the world better. 

Day 15

Whoa its been 5 or 6 days since I wrote on here but im back. what happened to doing this everyday? what happened to ending each work day with a stream of conscience writing sesh? I don’t fucking know man. I just got tired? The last couple days or rather this whole dang week has been filled with doing work for hire comic stuff and I gotta tell ya its really getting to me. Here is where I have to tread carefully, I am always grateful to be asked to draw or contribute to anything. I have been very lucky over the course of 10/11 years to work with nothing but awesomely talented writers. The problem is I also have ideas and I use these opportunities to up my drawing and story telling game by doing stories I would never come up with on my own. The problem though Is that I have my own ideas and a giant thing inside of me that is like “dude you gotta tell your own stories!” I’ve also been lucky enough to do that but not as much as I want to over the years and the older I get the more I realize that time is running out and I need to just stop doing these work for hire gigs and realize I’m good and I can do stories that are just as good (maybe even better) than the stuff thats being thrown my way or the stuff thats out there being made. and thats not ego, its more of like, hey man these guys and gals are coming up with stories and getting them made, you can do it too so stop waiting around till you feel like your ready and just start, when you got into comics you were a writer and artist, then i started wanting to make money off of this and i heard that i should team up with writers and that totally derailed my own personal growth and figuring out the stories i wanted to tell. Last year I made the switch and started writing again and doing my own shit. It has been great but slow. what other thoughts are creeping in to my head? I really want to quit and just give back the money and move on but I CANT. because quitting is for losers. and it starts this horrible crescendo effect where you start quitting everything in life. I am not a quitter but i dont know man this project is just giving me a stomach ache.

It started as me writing and drawing a character for this company, then another guy thats apart of the company got brought in as a co writer and so we’ve been co writing this thing. theres been headaches there because i would’ve loved to use this as portfolio fodder as a writer/artist but now this fucking guy has been involved and I cant be like, “oh yeah i wrote that part and that part, but not that part.”

(also im well aware of how fucking horribly written this blog and it is in know way shape or form an example of how i write, shit maybe i should take this thing down or hide it. but fuck it as for now know one is even reading this fucking thing.)

so its been frustrating. a great page rate and the people are nice to chat with but working together is different ya know. I don’t think I am a cog. well thats not true i don’t mind being a cog as long as its like 50% my idea. I want control! I want to be the one coming up with shit and making it happen. am i nuts? is that weird? is my ego in the way?

I don’t even know. My whole career has been crazy. its taken so many twist and turns I cant believe where Im even at half the time. The one thing I do know is that I am getting better at drawing. that much is true. everything else is a fucking shit show. self induced unfortunately but not in a self pitty way. comics and illustration is one of those paths were you set your own rules and you make your own way. you just gotta keep figuring shit out and so thats what i gotta do.

as far as shit thats on my plate this week?

still need to finish painting this big ass commission,

need to finish penciling a 5 piece commission.

need to finish digitally penciling this work for hire comic.

I need to keep penciling the next couple pages my new comic Nose bleed.

I need to get tickets to heroescon and tell people im taking commissions

also need to finish another commission.

fuck

day 14

im still trying to figure out the perfect way to work. it is very challenging. somedays I don’t know what to focus on. so i just try and get something done. Im not perfect, i dont think any one of us is. but when your an artist you have to create and you have to do alot and be prolific. Being prolific is the hardest thing especially as i get older. if i want something to look good i gotta take my time. i use to just rush pieces and try not to think of the out come. a good piece is like finely tuned car or a puzzle where all the pieces land together. Im not really seeking perfection by any means just trying to hit home runs more often. I’m also learning clip studio paint. i guess i would be more inclined to really dive into this program if i were a digital artist but i just want to take the edge off of drawing comics and being able to catch distortions in my drawings. these post are a little strange i know. but I am writing these raw and at the end of the day. the plan for this week is to do two days of comic work, one day of illustration, then two more days of comics then a break, then finish with a day of illustration.

day 13

Well its been good, I am getting into the flow of things. got a lot on my plate right now which is always good. Basically I had to get back into time blocking which has helped immensely. focusing a few hours a day on a couple task. I still need to paint something and its really big and Ive been a lil chicken about starting it. I think tomorrow I will do a small painting to get into the flow of things again and remind myself how to paint. other than that today was pretty chill. I went back to muay thai, and it was going great but of course i strained my back. Whenever I take a break from muay thai and come back I always pull my right scapula. its so annoying. i know now to just start icing it and stretching. but yeah just trying to keep journaling. nothing much to really report on just working on. OH I also stopped listening to podcast or music while Im thumb nailing my next two comics. i still need to figure out a small commission as well. goddamn theres only so much time but I know I will get everything done. i always do.

day 12

C2e2 started today and i totally forgot to get passes or some kind of ticket to get in. i feel like a mixture between goof ball and whatever.

How do i describe it? on one hand i feel like i should be there and on the other I don’t see a point in going there with out having a table. last year i got a pro pass and it was a complete waste of time. All I did was go around and spend money for 3 days. It was dope to get to meet people and chat but at the end of it you feel like you need to support these people and i just wanted to chit chat and net work. ugh plus I went by myself which is never fun to do. I don’t really regret not going, Ill prolly get a sunday pass. Im sharing a table at heroes con anyway and need to prepare for that.

goddamn i got some much fucking work to do and i still need more money. this lifestyle is fucking hard some days. well actually alot of days. its something i dont want to admit but fuck its hard. its great because every day im getting better and better at this shit but my wallet is hurting. i need more jobs, i need to work faster but now i cant fuck up and make shitty work. people are paying me. my rent is due at the end of every month and i need to save for taxes. its very troubling and trying to figure out ways to navigate this thing is so hard. but holy fuck. I inked two pages today of my new comic and they look great. i slapped a lil bit of tones on top of em and they look pretty cool. now my hand hurts and ive been doing a little bit of day drinking but today fucking ruled. i just have to figure out how to letter these pages in clip paint studio which im dedicating to elarning this year instead of photoshop. i mean this program is literally meant to be used for image making. i need to take advantage of it.

god i want to get better at life. i want to get better at adulting. i hate that i can only focus on one thing at a time. i wish i was super human. anyway.

tomorrow i need to scan in urges, plus the two new pages i finished. i need to work up some drafts for the gundam commissions cause i fucked up and didn’t read the email correspondence correctly so i need to start over. i also should start painting a no rush commission. what else. i also need to start thumbnailng a work for hire comic gig that is due at the end of the month. i cant do it. jesus im starting to get overwhelmed. but i can knock it all out. i know i can.

day 11

Today was another day of blur. Don’t get me wrong it was a good day as I ended up getting page 2 penciled. I cant wait to start inking them. I feel really charged up by this project because I get to write draw and letter the whole thing and on top of that I am being paid to do so. Its pretty much a win win for me and I want to make the most out of the opportunity. I don’t care so much about it being liked. Obviously I would love for people to like and read it, but the real focus is staying on task, writing and stick to the outline i made and just getting it done and keeping it interesting. I have alot of it planned out and luckily I have the ending already written and I’ve also kept it very rashomon, meaning the story is told from multiple view points.

Man I also want to mention that this blog is a means for me to have something constant in my life so please excuse how horribly it is written. I don’t plan any of this out and I dont really want to do that. I dont care if people read it mostly just a place to keep my thoughts instead of the note books I keep. which always get tossed out cause my hand writing is horrible.

Anywho i started to erase and do the panel borders on the next urges pages. i also started to digitally pencil gundam shenlong. tomorrow i will finish the pencils to that piece and maybe go on a walk. do something where I use my body. its been a while since i worked out. I just have so much work to get done. tomorrow im also gonna watch deadzone. I started watching it this afternoon on my break. i was surprised that cronenburg directed it, that my ultimate crush Brooke adams stars in it and that Christopher Walken actually rules in it. man the 80s and 90s were totally ruled by Stephen King.

bed time for me.

Day 10

new laptop is here baby and boy is this exciting and frightening. I’m so stoked to finally have an up to date computer. for my entire professional working career ive used hand me downs or refurbished pieces of equipment. shout out to my peeps that gave me equipment but nothing feels better than purchasing something brand spanking new that hasn’t been stepped on or used or whatever.

yesterday was a pretty killer day. I finished a painting which I will post here.

this is a pin up for some local pals and there comic called Man boy

water color and ink on bristol board.

This came out way cooler than I thought it would and was also one of those instances where I didn’t have to work for it. i did a preliminary sketch and was off to the races. Sometimes the pieces just come. other times I have to sit and think and sketch and sketch and sketch. When I was younger I use to hate planning and sketching pieces out. I Hated analyzing. I hated erasing and not getting something amazing on the first try. Very amateur way of thinking and approaching art. Now though. I really let loose and sketch and sketch. Ill sketch all day if it means getting a good piece. I even think of it as fishing. The lake is my sketch book and the pen is my fishing pole and we just get out there and get it going. Anywho I also fucked around and didnt get much sleep last night. I stopped Drawing around 12 and put Mimic on. I dont know if this is a bad movie or if the melatonin I bought actually works, but I literally fell asleep immediately. I’m gonna try and re watch tonight and I lowered my dose to one gummy instead of two. BUT I will say that mimic seems pretty cool.

Pretty neat and scary right? I couldn’t find a picture of it walking around looking like a tall man with a big coat on but thats the real cool gimmick to the design. Anywho tired as fugg. gonna hit the hay. tomorrow I need to finish penciling page 2 of a thing I’m working on and get started on these dang Gundam Commissions as well.

Day 9

I still need to scan in the pages I completed last week. Ive been a mess all week. Somewhat productive but oh so messy. Lets start with the positive things: I got the next 5 commissions thumb nailed, I would’ve given myself extra credit had I colored them. I also should prolly post pictures of this stuff but that will be easier once my new computer gets here. I successfully outline my new personal comic that will be showing up once a month on the philly art blog. still haven’t signed a contract but whatever. If it some how falls though it wont be my doing. (is that how you say that?)

tonight I inked and toned a lone wolf and cub commission. Check out some footage of me doing that here. And finally I penciled and ink another commission. I still need to paint that and finish tightening up the lone wolf and cub piece as well. writing out everything that needs to be done as helped out tremendously but i seriously fucked up by not writing out what I wanted to accomplish each day this week. yeesh was that bad. so this week I will correct that by focusing on a single task a day with a bonus task attached to that. SO SO much shit to do.

Yesterday I also binged some tv after day drinking for breakfast. (that sounds way worse than it actually is or was) I came home from brunch and watched all of Mare of east town. Its one of my favorite shows on HBO and it was so good to rewatch especially knowing how it ends. I could focus on the cinematography and the writing and the set design and the colors. All top notch shit In my opinion and I do not own the vocab to describe how awesome this show is, but you’ll love it if you’ve spent a ton of time in the philly area. I spent the whole day watching an episode, then bouncing to do some work, then bouncing back to watch another and another until finally I just needed to kill the last two episodes. After that it was about 2 in the morning and I figured I was going to end up sleeping on the couch so I put on the crazies, the 2010 remake which I’ve seen a dozen times. Man this movie starts out so promising and somehow falls flat. It felt like they lost there budget half way through production and what could’ve been an awesome, escape from insanely violent towns people, gets boring as hell and ends on a whimper. I still need to watch the original. After that it was 4 in the morning and I was still up, so I said fuck it, lets see if Day of the dead is streaming and voila it was! I use to own this master piece on dvd and watch it constantly as a kid. Man was it nostalgia overload getting to revisit these characters and the world they live in. and that score. god damn. such an awesome movie filled with characters and actors that really give it there all. In my opinion it might George A romero’s best work. I didnt end up going to sleep until 730 in the morning but it was worth it. I haven’t watched that much tv in ages and I think it helped to refuel my creativity.

day 8

The days after finishing a comic are the worst. your done but the works not done. you still need to get the thing lettered and colored. scanned in. etc. WHen im done pencilng and inking i just dont want to look at the pages anymore. I dont wanna think about those pages, I just want to move on. Do some more. But I am usually just drained and tired. so the last two days have been me feeling drained and tired. Ive been working out and luckily have some pieces to work on before starting up some new comic work that is work for hire hopefully it wont be my last bit of that stuff. Tomorrow though im gonna force myself to start working on a personal comic just to stay in shape. I dont wanna lose any of the comic momentum Ive got going. the next few pieces I am working on are essentially pinups so now i need to switch to that mode. that usually involves me practicing and studying poses from cool people that do awesome cover and pin up work. onward ho!

Day 7

Finally finished urges pg 10 over the weekend. That was intense. 4 pages in 4 days. its a ten page story that I might add an extra page or just do some extra stuff to pad this first collection out. If only I could work faster. Shit its hard to knock out pages. Ive actually gotten a lot faster at it though. or maybe i just care less or know how much effort to put into a page. The stress of doing a page isn’t as heavy and brutal as it once was. I have Erick to thank for that I think. I started a personal long form comic that was supposed to be doing a page or two a week but i got caught up in it and how hard it was inventing this new world to play in. I wish it was funner but it was a spiral of anxiety after page 6. I did get to page 12 but it was a slog fest. I was also caught up on how I was gonna release this thing, compared it to other web comics, thought that the story sucked and know one would want to read this and unfortunately gave in to the bullshit negativity. I fucking hated that I let myself get in the way of my own growth. I fucking hate it but at the end of the day thats 12 more pages i got done and I learned a lot. I’ll write a more detailed thing about that whole mess. but as for now 10 more pages have been finished and ill finish some more.

Day 6

Its almost been a week of blogging. can i call it that? blogging in the year 2023 feels weird as hell. useless cause our attention spans are the size of a pea. but what does that mean? useless because eyes wont ever see this stuff? does everything I do have to be wrapped up in pursuing fame?

God what a mess. But yes everything I do seems to revolve around “making it” and the truth is Ive never even figured out what making it would look like. so lets do that now

Making it in the arts for me looks like: Having a fan base that is cool with my experimental nature. one that will follow me through whatever phase I’m going through.

Having no debts. Figuring out a way to make a shit ton of art and publish it through my own imprint or finally shacking up with a publisher that is down to sell my shit. But also figuring out a way to work that isn’t me being chained to a desk. as much as I’ve idolized that lifestyle, (mangaka) Id much rather work hard and play hard as well.

finding a mentor or mentors to check in with. Having an editor that can keep me honest and someone i set goals with and meet them and they also help me career wise. like if i do a book they can help keep me on task and then figure out a publishing method that yields money.

making enough money to support or help out significantly. My girl is a doctor so competing with her financially seems retarded but Id like to pull my own and provide if we decide to have kids, or be able to help my mom or have an established savings account.

making it means have multiple revenue streams and also multiple savings accounts. a rainy day fund. a savings account. a travel account. and an oh fuck account.

putting out a certain amount of work per month. honestly putting out a monthly book whether it be comics or a sketch book or an art book. well maybe bi monthly.

get better at social skills. keep relationships i have with friends healthy while also meeting new people and building a meaningful connection.

making it would be giving back to my community not just through art but also knowledge of navigating this insane industry.

making it would mean being more than good enough to work for dc and marvel and dark horse but also doing my own shit.

being able to write, draw and paint my own shit.

ive just dumped alot. but yeah thats what making it looks like if i had to sum it up. oh also making it means finding a work schedule for myself and being a bit more organized or being ok with how disorganized i am and just making it work.

Day 5

OK so day 5 originally got deleted some how, 

Apparently I’ve become Computer illiterate now. Like what the fuck is web files? Like when did it become so hard to download jpegs from google? What the fuck is happening?

I guess this is my second change to narrow down what happened today. 

Not much woke up super late again. 1030 this time. Freaked out because I thought I over slept and missed an important meeting with Philly artblog but its actually tomorrow or today as I’m writing this at 2 in the morning. Fuck 

I hate everything right now. My computer is acting up and I can’t wait to get this thing replaced. I don’t want to say its a piece of shit because its lasted so long but my other one died so this is all I have left besides my iPad. I know. First world problems. I feel ashamed that I even typed all of that but non the less a problem is a problem and an annoyance is annoyance. 

Anyway I ordered a bacon and cheese bagel today and my buddy brought me out a bacon egg and cheese bagel. Don’t worry I’m not gonna complain. I literally can’t eat eggs without violently vomiting. Its horrible because I love breakfast, and the most important part of breakfast is the fucking egg. Its the perfect balance of nutrition. But my guts can’t take it. It pained me so much to have to slide this beautiful egg my buddy whipped up. It was fluffy and over hard but still had life to it. It probably would’ve oozed just the right amount of yolk if I had bitten into it. But nah had to hard pass. 

what else is new. ill type it more tomorrow.

Day 4

sleep schedule has been all fucked up. been going to sleep at 4 am and waking up at 10 am. still getting 6 hours but Jesus Christ. This is not my best by any means. Ugh. I gotta get it together and stop working so late. Ill make this quick.

Banks are apparently closing. Sometimes I’ll listen to democracy now while drawing and think about how pointless everything is when the world is literally crumbling all around us. I’m safe and tucked away in a studio apartment surrounded by art supplies and mad because the world is ignoring my art. of course its ignoring me. THERE IS REAL SHIT HAPPENING.

fuck. Fuck democracy now. its so fucking depressing. but Im hoping to stay somewhat informed. instead of just watching anime and weird love shows.

anyywho today I painted for the first time in a few days. this blog will now have pictures! below is a personal samus piece I am working on. Honestly just for shits and giggles.

Here is a closer shot. This is just water color. We’ll see where this goes. my plan is to finish it super slowly. the only annoying thing is that I didnt really plan this piece out. I just started drawing and then this came out. I did look at references to the trees but didnt stick to them at all. Its a really bad fucking habit I have of just diving into a piece head first and hoping for the best. Everything I DO IN LIFE IS ON A HOPE TO HOPE BASIS.

I’m also inking page 6 of some new Urges story. here’s a snap shot below.

pretty happy with this page.

What else is there to say? I was going to work out but as soon as i went to the garage i realized my girlfriend drove and then i tried to call a lyft but they were super expensive. fuck maybe i shouldve went but its what ever. The Banks are literally on fire. Well its a good thing I dont have that much money anyway. see ya tomorrow

day 3

How was my day? It was pretty good actually. It got off to a rough start as I woke up at 8 then went back to sleep until 1030. I finally rose out of bed after a long spell of reading about various topics my phone sprang on me. Topics like DLC for a pokemon game I’ll probably never play. I rolled out of bed and made twice steeped tea after a buddy of mine told me it was how you get a better taste out of the bag. It Probably would ring more true if I used quality tea. Right now I am sipping on trader joe’s green tea. Caffeine to me is the greatest drug ever created. I am a frequent and obedient user of its magic and everyday is turned in to a swirling journey of happiness and anxiety. Existential dread combined with antsy horniness. Thoughts that run a mile a minute, to fast to catch but slow enough to make an impact. Life without it which I’m sure I will eventually have to deal with will be boring, monotonous and just shitty.

The tea was brewed and I began to do a new morning ritual warm up. 5 minutes of 30 second back to back work outs designed to get my body moving.

Being an avid youtube consumer I played a ton of videos today. Mostly about mind set.

I think I am stuck in the middle of growth and set mind state. I know that I will get better if I keep doing things and thats generally my motivator. I take criticism pretty well, I don’t get discouraged that easily, SO I guess I fit in the growth category. But another problem I have is wanting more. Always wanting more but then getting caught up in how I’m going to do more and then I hit a road block where I am literally doing nothing but thinking about what I should be doing. It’s a horrible cycle that may or may not be brought on by the caffeine.

I finally got started drawing and I began by drawing faces at 3/4 view. I successfully finished a page of side view shots of a woman talking and it gave me the idea of staying on a task when I am studying. Ive been trying to draw more women faces and the first study session was so wild and all over the place. I drew faces at random angles mostly only once and wasn’t able to build off what I was learning. by dedicating a page of my sketch book to one angle of the face I feel I am actually understanding the face. unfortunately these first 4 faces at this angle came out horribly but the last one looked pretty good and I am excited to see where the experiment is going to go.

I also inked page 5 of my new comic and did it live on twitch. Ill probably do it again tomorrow just to stay in the groove as i suspect this week will be the last week ill have to be fully immersed in this project. its been slow but steady since its future is unknown. perhaps we’ll do a kickstarter for it, or an indiegogo. its so fucking hard to get the word out about anything these days with out getting buried but what ever. Ill just be annoying and who ever is left means they really want to hear from me.

I shouldn’t fear pushing people away. this whole number game is bullshit anyway.

After finishing most of pg 5 on the stream I headed off to go coach at the gym. The session was with one student who had prior boxing training which is always great because you can skip alot and just get right to teaching knees and kicks and then eventually hitting pads. He was a pretty quick learner and I hope he actually signs up and sticks with it. I think he would be an awesome heavy weight fighter. After that I did class which was technical clinching and sparring. Another great session where we learned to set up knees while someone is trying to punch us.

I was beat as I must admit i am not in the greatest shape anymore. after my last fight in august of last year i really fell out of love with competing and working out all the time. that combined with a repeated eye injury really made me rethink muay thai and my life in general. Im still here though just trying to find a new path with it instead of reigniting some flame. its hard to look at other people that are competing and fighting and not want to sign up for a fight just to prove how good at this I am. I feel bad about myself when i look at the bravery someone has to step back in the ring which is something I just dont have at the moment. It comes back every now and then but I’m just like whats the point of doing that shit for me personally. I want to be a comic book artist and illustrator not an amateur fighter. I just want to stay in shape and stay strong. never say never about fighting, but i think i need to further commit to one thing and at the moment being a fighter is not it.

maybe some day ill compete again. anyway i had a nother little bit of the last panel to ink so i inked that while listening to more mind set lectures. Check this out.

Its pretty good but a lil dronish. Is that even a word? I don’t care I do need to figure out my new comic I wanna start after Urges is finished. Tomorrow I plan working on a commission I have to do, stopping by sipping turtle to grab some books, maybe working there for a few hours, coming home and putting pencil to paper on page 6.

Day 2

so today was fine, woke up super late again, ugh. but in my defense I streamed for 4 hours the night before. It was surprisingly a good stream, we got raided and our final view count was like 78 or something. I’ve been using twitch to stream now for the last 3 years and its been very cool and very challenging. on one hand it has helped me get closer to drawing the things I want to draw. its forced me to finish things like fan art and it has given me the confidence to talk and draw at the same time.

the bad part is the allure of becoming popular on it. Every new follower could be a subscriber and every subscriber could be someone who buys art or supports my new zine. To take it to that next level would be very challenging and it would become my job and that combined with my buddy who i share the channel with having a child killed the momentum we were building on that platform. I am freelance. so im always in need of money especially nowadays so that idea of doing a stream a few times a week for free and then getting nothing really out of it except really low advertising money is annoying. but while typing this I remembered something. Using twitch helped me get a lot of fun drawing done. yes those fun drawings didnt turn into sales but they turned into a lot of drawings being made on the fly. I always have to remind myself that if i didnt have twitch id have a bunch of half finished fan art drawings or unfinished personal work laying around my studio. twitch really helped me level up and become more confident. mainly because people are watching me as I draw. I have to figure out the task at hand live. For the most part I try to come in with something prepared before hand, as penciling live is not very fun. Penciling is one of those things that takes an ungodly amount of energy and concentration. trying to talk about whats bothering me or trying to be funny while doing that is next to impossible but ive somehow managed to do it quite often. Hell sometimes I’ll even take request and do a full on drawing from start to finish on the streams.

Its a pretty neat trick to have in my sleeve and its something i dont want to stop doing but i wish it was a little more fruitful. Besides getting work done I wish i was better at cultivating an audience that would get behind me and support what I do, and sometimes I am so mad that more people aren’t doing that. But then I take a look at my instagram and im literally just posting images. just giving an image away. I should post an image that is for sale or is a part of something. maybe that will help rally an audience.

Currently mine is in shambles. But I think I am finally understanding the use of instagram and social medias in general. you cant just have a throw away post. sometimes it works sure. like random post have gotten me gigs cause they see that i can draw. but it somehow needs to be more focused.

Anyway. my day was decent. Woke up super late, went to this little sandwich shop down the street from me called the dil pickle. I got a corn beef sandwich with a can of squirt. it was delicious. Probably the best tasting marble rye i’ve ever encountered, with corned beef hash that was piled high. mustard and sautéed onions. it was a great breakfast to eat up the alcohol i had the night before. after that we drove to this chocolate place in wicker park. I got a s’more treat which was insane and the smoothest coffee i’ve ever tasted. drove home got to work. i’ve decided to keep my phone out of the studio now as i already have a laptop and Ipad that are distracting enough. the phone sucked me in like a fortex but i got some more shit done on a page i was working on, i didnt get a chance to ink it though which I should’ve done but what ever. I’ll finish it tomorrow.

check out this book summary

Day 1

So I am starting a blog, hopefully I can do it daily.

So what’s up? Nothing much today was an interesting day to say the least. I recently began coaching at a Muay Thai gym I attend. It’s hard teaching people something that you just naturally do. I don’t want to sound like I am a very skilled Muay thai practitioner but I’m good. I’ve had 4 fights and two smokers. My record is what ever. But I mostly do it because it can be fun and exciting. It’s a weird love and hate kind of thing with Muay Thai but I much prefer it to just going to the gym and doing weird shit or running around my neighborhood. Anyway I taught my first adult class and it went pretty well. No complaints, but the anxiety of having to teach really got to me. Also I taught on fridays and fridays is hard sparring day which is something i use to look forward to but no longer do.

I use to think it was so cool to see how hard of a punch or a kick i could take, or how many rounds i could go with out stopping. The more damage I took the more I felt like a bad ass. At the time I was still competing so any damage taken here was something that I wouldn’t fear if it happened to me in the ring. Now that I’m no longer interested in competing I’m also not interested in taking damage. I no longer seek that thrill. Don’t get me wrong its still there. It’s still inside of me, but I’m also just like, what’s the fucking point of all this now. Anywho when I’m there on days when sparring is happening and I’m not sparring it feels like your in time out. Everyone’s looking at you like why aren’t you playing with us. Oh i dont feel like it. There like ew dude, i dont want you spreading that nonchalant ness to me. This could all be in my head. I still like sparring but I’m just not hungry to prove myself anymore which has kinda thrown everything off. I just want to have fun I don’t wanna push myself to the limit any more. Anyway my girlfriend came and picked me up and for some odd reason my anxiety was pumping hard. We took some breathes and she said lets go get some pizza since she caught a baby today at work and I successfully lead my first class.

We went to paulie gee’s which is a pretty sweet Detroit style pizza spot in Logan square. We get there and somehow find a parking spot on Milwaukee ave which is usually a no mans land for spots especially on a friday night. When we walk in we are greeted by the bar tender who i met a few months ago when i went to go place an order for pick up. I started talking to girls and soon after shots were being provided and i was eating my Togo order at the bar with them. It was nuts. Nice platonic swap of numbers and new friends were made.

Anyway he’s there and as soon as we get there he’s like dude i know your face and im like yeah i was here with that Asian girl awhile ago who im pretty sure was aggressively hitting on you and he was like yep I remember you. What shot are we doing? My girl says whiskey please and down the pipe the shots went. We followed that up with a cider for me and a Manhattan for my lady.

The anxiety melted away instantly. I love drinking. Not getting drunk per say but just like getting a nice buzz. All your problems melt away, the room moves, you talk openly, you ponder and listen to what people say. You loosen up. I love it. It’s a feeling I’ve really come into since moving to chicago.

We eat some awesome pizza, perhaps next time ill take a snap shot of it. But it was this sweet and savory Detroit style pizza with ricotta, mozzarella, maple syrup i think and pepperoni. We each got three slices and proceeded to wolf them down with the quickness. I also forgot to mention the amazing salad we got before hand. A house salad covered in hard salami and speck? Or like the cheap equivalent of speck. Doused with balsamic vinegar. It was the perfect mixture of sweet sour and green and hardy meats.

Afterwards we both realized we were pretty close to being to buzzed to drive and it was snow raining. Drinks were on the house and we gave our man a nice big ole tip then sashayed out of there. Just to make sure we could still drive we did a quick walk to the local target. I walked straight to the pokemon aisle and looked at what they had to offer. Luckily i have enough pokemon cards to last a century but the thought of pulling a sweet holograph is still to powerful to pass up. But not now there’s so many i dont even know which pokemon id want to pull out of a pack. We turned our focus to midnight snacks. I guess Easter is on the horizon so i grabbed a solid white chocolate rabbit and my lady grabbed a bag of nerds eggs and malted eggs. We paid and got to the car where i was pretty sure i was good to drive.

The next day i woke up super late. Every since i got back from philly I’ve been waking up at like 10 and not getting out of bed until 11 some days. It’s pretty fucked. I hate it. I might be slightly depressed. Then i remembered oh yeah I’ve been drinking the night before which is why im waking up with the blues. I also remembered that i did manage to get some inking down on page 4 of the new comic im working on proving to myself that i am still a responsible illustrator.

I got out of bed eventually and it felt like i had been hit by a ton of bricks. I told myself fuck this im going to sipping turtle and im gonna work on an info comic about how i need to sell 13 pieces so i can but a new laptop. I biked to the cafe and immediately ordered a Bahnmi, oolong tea, and rocky road brownie. The Bahn mi’s at this place are good tasting but they are hardly authentic Bahn mi’s which bum me out because the owners are clearly Vietnamese. I think this sets a bad precedent because in philly a Bahn mi is a meal. It’s a celebration. It’s a hoagie. It’s large and in charge. The Bahn mi here is small and ironic and meant for hipster mouths. Taste wise its really good. I usually get the teriyaki beef. All the other meat options are kinda silly. There are no pickled vegetables or bbq pork options. But like i said taste wise it still hits. The Oolong tea is good as well. It’s sweet and toasty tasting. Goes down smooth and doesn’t call for a sweetener but if one is added it only enhances the flavors.

I hung out here from 1pm to 6pm. During that time I drew a few panels of the comic that will hopefully entice people to buy some art so i can get a new computer. Although I am really trying not to totally believe 13 people will spend a $100 dollars each on me. Best to keep my hopes nice and low but it would be nice. Then i moved on to drawing some faces. Something I’ve been trying to work on getting better at. I drew about 7 girls faces in profile view. An easy task i know but good to practice.

After that i came home, made some rib eye steaks. Usually when im seasoning the steaks i sprinkle salt and pepper on to the meat, but lately there have been spots on that tasted seasoned and spots that tasted unseasoned which lead to an inconsistent taste. This time i decided to sprinkle and rub the seasoning on. I accidentally added way to much salt and i feared for my poor arteries. God please help my future self. The steaks came out tasting great but god damn you could really taste that salt.

I also sautéed some onions, whipped up some mashed potatoes, and then sautéed some asparagus. We drank white wine and watched some French show about hacking and Syria. Oh i also gave thanos my cat some raw steak since she started eating one of the steaks when i had my back turned. I think she liked it but i fear the rush of blood and raw meat might make her primal.

After that it was time to stream. I try to stream 2 - 3 times a week. The stream went well. I mostly talked about dumb shit like watching Jeepers creepers and the Jon jones fight and how yes he was smart to wrestle and choke Cyril Gane out but it would’ve been so much cooler to see his new striking. Whatever its about whose the smarter fighter not the cooler fighter. I started penciling page 5 on the stream hopping to get it penciled and inked but i got caught up on panel 4. It’s still blank as i type this but the rest of the page is done.

Tomorrow i will ink it up. I still need to finish the pencils for a commission. And i need to respond to an email about some more commissions. So yeah good day i guess. Gonna drink some wine and try to absorb some visual goods. Im also transitioning into making this a comic year. I want to do more comics this year. I think im going to start a smaller comic and do it on 8.5.x 11 paper like a manga.

See ya